so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
