So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
