my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
