i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
