Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
