Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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