I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize