im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
