There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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