She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
