So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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