but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
