i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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