last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
