He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
