have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
