so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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