i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
