What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
