i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
