can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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