My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
