i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
