When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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