WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
