Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
