I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
