turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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