i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
