I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
