is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
