Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
