he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
