you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
