I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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