she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize