I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
