He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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