Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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