Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
