I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
