Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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