just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
