Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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