I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
