she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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