Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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