So drunk its hurt
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
