why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
