I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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