i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
