12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
