dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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