Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i now understand why vodka
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
