I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Your dad touched me again.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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