eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
